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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26734972">dead bird.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/xixuwus/pseuds/inarizaki'>inarizaki (xixuwus)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Death, Family, Gen, I'll die on this hill, Only Child Vibes, Sakusa Kiyoomi Only Child</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:07:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,988</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26734972</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/xixuwus/pseuds/inarizaki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>sometimes kiyoomi wishes motoya was a dead bird.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Komori Motoya &amp; Sakusa Kiyoomi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>dead bird.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this highkey ended up being a vent piece, but i have Feelings about sakusa and his family</p><p>this piece was not properly beta'd</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>when kiyoomi is 7 years old, he finds a baby bird abandoned by its mother. it still has downy feathers and looks almost blind. he read somewhere that birds fall out of nests sometimes, so he tries to look for a nest in the trees around the backyard, but he finds no nest. </p><p>the bird keeps chirping, wailing. it reminds kiyoomi of a baby that he had seen in the park on a midday stroll with his mother. the baby was crying and yelling, but they were easily shushed by food. </p><p>maybe the bird is hungry. </p><p>he’s not sure what to feed it. he’s never owned a bird, never encountered one. all the nature programs he’s seen only show big birds, adult birds. what do they eat? seeds and nuts and berries, also worms. he sets the bird on the ground and starts digging in the dirt to find worms for the bird. he digs past soft rocks and clay, pulls up the grass that the gardeners had just laid. </p><p>it takes quite a long time for him to find a worm, a tiny, scrawny little thing that wriggles between kiyoomi’s fingers, disgusting. he almost wants to throw up, hates the way it twists and turns in his hand, but he wants the bird to survive. he runs over to the bird and puts the worm in front of it. the bird makes no move to acknowledge the worm. </p><p>he watches the worm crawl back into the dirt, spared. kiyoomi reaches for the bird and cradles it in his hands, holding it close to his chest. it’s not chirping. </p><p>“kiyoomi, what’re you doing out here?” his mother asks. she must’ve just got home. </p><p>“i found a bird. it’s not doing okay,” he says, offering the dead bird to his mother. </p><p>she shrieks about how unsanitary the bird is, berates him for getting dirt on his clothes and exclaims how disgusting it is for him to be picking up wild animals and insects. unclean. she drags him inside and has him take a shower, slaps his hands with water and soap and sanitizer until his palms are red. </p><p>the bird lays alone on the grass of the backyard. </p>
<hr/><p>motoya is his cousin. kiyoomi wants to say they’re brothers when an older woman at the store asks them if they’re friends, but motoya answers first. </p><p>“we’re brothers, aren’t we?” kiyoomi asks when they’re walking back home, holding hands. his mother doesn’t have to know. </p><p>“we’re cousins,” he says, “but we’re <em> like </em> brothers.” </p><p>kiyoomi has brothers too, but they’re not <em> his </em>brothers. his mother remarried to a man who had kids already, three of them all much older than him and not very interested in a child like kiyoomi (a child who diligently cleans the counters and openly berates them for not tidying up their shoes; he’s learned to just keep his mouth shut). </p><p>at their grandmother’s birthday, motoya’s older brother attends the party along with kiyoomi, motoya, and a few more of their cousins who are much younger than them. motoya’s brother is only a few years older than him and kiyoomi. they’re comfortable together, but he’s older, so like kiyoomi’s brothers, he doesn’t hang out with motoya and kiyoomi, but they’re definitely closer with each other than kiyoomi’s siblings. </p><p>kiyoomi figures it’s because they grew up together. </p><p>motoya and kiyoomi don’t play with the little kids anymore. their games don’t interest them. they were playing volleyball earlier, but the younger kids stole it to kick around, so motoya and kiyoomi were forced to go back inside. they manage to steal kiyoomi’s mother’s phone and watch animations together, chatting idly about the characters and the plot. kiyoomi isn’t paying that much attention. </p><p>in the middle of the episode, motoya’s brother pops his head into the room. </p><p>“dinner’s ready,” he says. “do you want green onions in your soup or no?”</p><p>“yes!” motoya says, piping up in his seat. </p><p>kiyoomi puffs his chest out, ready to give his answer, but motoya’s brother leaves before kiyoomi can say anything. </p><p>
  <em>ah.</em>
</p><p>he slides out of his chair and trots into the kitchen to ask his mother to help him get food. as she builds his soup, he hears an auntie say, “he’s rotten, making his mother make his soup for him. all my children can make their own food.” </p><p>“she treats him like that because he’s an only child.”</p><p>“just because he’s the only one, he’s spoiled rotten.”</p><p>“whenever he cries, she gives him whatever he wants. it’s very ill mannered.” </p><p>he knows none of this is true, but he never truly learns to tune out the words. he takes his soup from his mom and thanks her before trotting back to motoya and sitting down with his soup. motoya had waited for kiyoomi to return before resuming the video. </p><p>at the end of the night, kiyoomi won’t let go of motoya’s sleeve.</p><p>“time to say goodbye, kiyoomi. motoya has to go home,” his mother almost pleads as she tries to coax him away from his cousin.</p><p>“i want to sleep at his house,” kiyoomi says. the aunties are whispering again, but motoya’s hand on his elbow gives him strength to stand his ground. </p><p>his mother sighs and holds her hand out to him. “motoya has to go home, kiyoomi. you can’t go with him.” </p><p>“why not?” </p><p>(“ah, look at that. he’s going to cry, and she’s going to let him do whatever he wants.”) </p><p>“you can’t sleep over at his house.” </p><p>“then he can sleep at our house, right?” he tugs at his sleeve harder, almost trying to drag him to the car. motoya doesn’t know what to do or say, but kiyoomi seems upset and he doesn’t want to make him more upset. </p><p>“he can’t sleep at our house, kiyoomi. he has his own home. he doesn’t live with us.” </p><p>the only people who live with kiyoomi are his mother and the rotten blue monster that keeps gnawing at his heart and lungs like a chew toy. </p><p>he finally lets go of motoya’s sleeve, and his mother quickly guides him to the car as they bid everyone a good night. he falls asleep on the way home with his head against the window. </p>
<hr/><p>“you should be more like your cousin,” someone says to him. he can’t remember if it was a family member or just a friend, but he’s heard it so many times that it could be just about anyone. </p><p>that’s how he ends up on their middle school volleyball team, trailing on the heels of his cousin who excitedly introduces kiyoomi to everyone. </p><p>“he’s a great volleyball player!” motoya tells everyone as he forces kiyoomi to stand in the middle of the circle. he wants to flip the collar of his jacket up and hide inside. </p><p>motoya tells everyone how he and kiyoomi have been playing volleyball together since they were young, tells them how kiyoomi has a wicked spike and is a really good receiver. everyone murmurs about being excited to play with kiyoomi. one of the third years goes to pat him on the back, and out of reflex, he takes a step back. kiyoomi’s eyes dart back and forth between the team and motoya, unsure how to explain his “condition” (“it’s not a condition,” he tells motoya as he puts on his face mask. “it’s a precaution. it’s easy to get sick, and this way, i won’t get sick so easily and neither will people around me.” — it’s not a condition.). </p><p>“sorry, i don’t like people touching me,” kiyoomi finally says with his head bowed. </p><p>the team brushes off his behavior and they move on with other introductions and eventually onto practice. </p><p>kiyoomi’s never really interacted with people outside of his family, not like this—not like in an organized sports team designed and reliant on teamwork and intimacy. it’s more apparent that he’s out of his element as he watches motoya bump shoulders with their members and high five them after every score while kiyoomi stands just slightly outside the circle. motoya always makes the effort to trot up to kiyoomi to flash him a bright smile and a thumbs up. kiyoomi smiles and gives him a thumbs up back. </p><p>slowly, the rest of their teammates also raise their thumbs at kiyoomi when they score. they tell him “nice kill!” and “great serve!” they start relying on him to fill in the gaps and be their best defender. </p><p>for the first time in his life, the blue monster stops chewing at his rib bones. </p>
<hr/><p>at the beginning of high school, motoya loses all of his friends. apparently, his entire group had a falling out with motoya. they no longer wanted to play with him, saying he was too demanding and generally inconsiderate of their schedules. on top of that, none of them go to the same school anymore. kiyoomi finds motoya on the roof curled up on the floor and leaning against the wall, crying and sniffling.</p><p>“i heard what happened,” kiyoomi says, hands in pockets and staring down at his cousin. </p><p>“i thought they were my best friends,” he cries, wiping his tears on his volleyball jacket. kiyoomi winces thinking about how rough the material must be and how irritated his eyes will be if he keeps rubbing them like that. </p><p>“i just… feel so alone now.” </p><p>kiyoomi wants to scream. there’s a vicious vat of acid boiling and bubbling in his stomach, sour and vile, crawling up his throat and blackening his lungs. alone? what could motoya know about feeling alone? </p><p>it’s shallow to think, and kiyoomi knows that he shouldn’t compare their lives because they can’t control this—not even their parents could control this, but it wasn’t fair. </p><p>it wasn’t fair that motoya had a sibling who cared for him, a family who was loving and whole, and friends who stuck by his side. it wasn’t fair that kiyoomi lost a father to an office affair; gained a poor substitute for his already poor loss and siblings who were estranged and had little to no interest in him; and had to survive with family and strangers alike who ridiculed his everyday habits. </p><p>what did he know about being 10 years old and home alone because his mother was working late? of having to make his own dinner and eat it alone, turn off all the lights by himself and sing himself to sleep. kiyoomi was never afraid of the dark or of monsters because he couldn’t afford to be and didn’t have time to think about it. why be afraid of monsters when the ache and cold in his bones were enough to drag him under and scare him to the marrow? </p><p>why did he have to be afraid of monsters when the reality was that if his mother ever died or left him, he would literally have no one left that understood him.</p><p>motoya can try all he wants to be kiyoomi’s best friend, but when it comes down to it, it’s as he said before: they’re cousins. </p><p>the anger and frustration drains out of kiyoomi when he sees motoya’s ruddy cheeks and the way his stupid eyebrows scrunch up. the rims of his eyes are red and he looks like he’ll cry again at any second. kiyoomi’s not one to hold terrible grudges. </p><p>“get up,” he says, gesturing for motoya to stand. “stop thinking about it. you don’t need them. i’ll buy you some ice cream and we can go study.” </p><p>motoya sniffles as he stands up, puts his backpack on and bumps shoulders with kiyoomi. “you’ll really buy me ice cream? hey, after we’re done studying, maybe we can practice some receives in the park.” </p><p>“sure, sounds great.” </p><p>they don’t hold hands as they walk to the convenience store together. the woman who works there still calls them “the cousins.” </p><p>sometimes kiyoomi wishes motoya was a dead bird. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>find me on <a href="https://twitter.com/xixuwus">twitter</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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